I’m a boat lost in my own ocean. I can’t keep sailing with no directions anymore but I can’t stop or the waves will swallow me. I need to figure out my life. The future dawns on me and I don’t know what to do with it.

I’m tired and sick of it all, but yes, more than anything I should respect both sides.

Late night blues

So, I was answering this renewal form for my org in CS, when it finally hit me how unhappy and unenthusiastic I am with my course. They were offering mini-orgs in our org where we can learn skills like web apps, mobile apps, and competitive programming for free. I know I should join, it will benefit me a lot, but I really don’t want to. Hindi sa tinatamad ako, pero I really am not interested.

I always study hard that my perseverance in studying outweighed my interests and passion towards what I’m studying about. I ignored how uninterested I am with CS and only focused on having good grades. And now, I can’t will myself to shift because everything’s perfectly fine between me and CS. Ako lang talaga yung hindi interesado. Maybe if I had low grades, I would shift without thinking twice.

Whenever I tell this to my coursemates they would always be surprised, di daw halatang ayaw ko ng CS. -_-

See? Kahit sila, na ooverpower ng perseverance ko yung passion, pati mga tao sa paligid ko hindi nakikita na ayaw ko sa CS. Well, hindi naman talaga ayaw, hindi lang talaga ako interesado at masaya sa ginagawa ko.

Last Saturday, when we were at the grocery, I casually told my dad that after I graduate CompSci I’d like to take another course, architecture maybe or interior design. *sigh* I don’t know if I will excel there because arts has never been really good to me, pero alam ko dun talaga ako interesado. How I wish maka-graduate ako agad at mapuntahan na yung course na interesado ako.

I feel so out of place sa DCS. At feeling ko nagsisinungaling ako sa lahat ng tao, lalo na sa sarili ko. I don’t want to shift, I don’t think I can. So I’m just looking forward on taking my second degree which, hopefully, is the course I’m really interested in.